Day with loan sharks left me feeling gutted and battered

From Kevin Friend

Firstly I would like to thank Mortgage Strategy for a great boat trip. As always, a great day was preceded by the traditional late night.

As I got on the boat surrounded by some of the industry’s finest I wondered what the day had in store. After the skipper had given us the third degree about where the emergency exits were, we cast off.

The black velvets flowed and rods and lines were deployed, then a splash was followed by a yelp. What had Dev Malle landed? No, it was phone overboard with Dev’s handset sinking to the sea bed for all the mackerel to text their mates.

Later, gulls gathered as the spoils of the day were landed. As Guy Bachelor was about to release his catch of the day back to the wild, Skip said, “You could get 20 for that from the Chinese.” Into the bucket it went as I licked my lips, spring onion and ginger springing to mind.

After the boys from BM Solutions had bent their backs over the railings, staring at the heaving sea for six hours, we headed back to the hotel. I had hold of Terry Pritchard’s dog (fish), Guy’s bass and my pretty mackerel. Then it all went wrong. Off went the fire alarm (a Tory MP having a puff in his room).

As all gathered on the pavement, an alert Payam Azadi noted my absence. I might have last been seen heading to my room with a dog and a mackerel but what they all thought was not true.

That evening, I endured every fish-related pun in the seven seas. On a scale of one to 10, I ended up gutted and battered. That’s what a day with the loan sharks can do to you.