The Mortgage Mole

Sporting glory
Mole racked his brains this week at the Tommy’s Sports Quiz at The Brewery in the City of London, courtesy of Chelsea and finished a wholly respectable 10th out of 24 teams.

As well as rubbing shoulders with sporting luminaries including British sprinter Darren Campbell and former Arsenal defender Nigel Winterburn, Mole was treated to the amusing sight of PR guru Max Clifford attempting to dance to Mylo. Think of your most embarrassing uncle dancing at a wedding and you’re halfway there.

Chelsea PRs Susie Ratcliffe and Jeremy Hicks also got into the swing of things – the former after recovering from a tantrum thrown after realising BBC Holiday presenter Craig Doyle wouldn’t be compering the evening and the latter after inadvertently daubing himself with glitter after fondling a table decoration. It’s a sporting life.

Service with a smile
Mortgage Strategy received a spoof lending service update last week, entitled ‘Suckers update’. The missive highlighted the fact that brokers have had enough of empty promises. It says: “Please note that our telephone lines are open 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday. No one will pick up the phone, but were there anyway.

“Our call centre will handle calls where monkeys will be on hand to gorge on rotten fruit.

“Your local business development manager and packaging manager have given up the will to live and gone to the local lap dancing establishment.”

Scratchings
Wannabe Hollyoaks starlet and MS reporter Luci Mylward has confessed to Mole she has yet more celebrity skeletons in her closet. Many moons ago in a bar in Newcastle the blonde bombshell nearly got into a catfight with none other than Girls Aloud warbler Cheryl Tweedy. The kick-off occurred after Tweedy invited Mylward’s now ex-boyfriend back to her place for “a nice cup of tea”. Understandably, Mylward took back what was hers and made a speedy exit.

Mylward confessed to Mole: “Two seconds longer and I would have punched her. The worst bit was in my haste to get away I left half a pint of Newky Brown and a packet of pork scratchings on the bar – what a waste!”

Knight of the night
The industry’s finest were out in force last week for the annual Hamptons International Awards Dinner. Following the awards celebrations it was off to London’s exclusive China Whites nightclub.

Celeb stalker and gatecrasher Natalie was more than happy after seeing James Alexandrou, a.k.a. Martin Fowler off Eastenders, at the bar.

After partying hard, senior hackette Natalie was relieved to be offered a helping hand from Platform’s Guy Batchelor who kindly made sure she got home OK, proving that chivalry still exists in the mortgage industry.