The Mortgage Mole

FISH TALES
Now Mole’s escaped his near death experience with the fishes, more can be splashed on Mortgage Strategy’s Loan Shark Reunion. With the black velvets still flowing Guy Batchelor was about to release his catch of the day back into the wild when Kevin Friend realised he could get 20 squid for it.

“Into the bucket it went and as I licked my lips, spring onion and ginger crossed my mind,” Friend confessed to Mole as he pocketed Terry’s dog (fish), Guy’s bass and his own ‘pretty’ mackerel. But then it all went a bit Pete Tong.

Back at the hotel the fire alarm went off and while the Loan Shark crew gathered on the pavement there was one notable absence – a certain Fisherman’s Friend last seen heading to his room with a dog under his arm.

“That night I endured every fish pun in the known world,” Friend told Mole. “On a scale of one to 10, I ended up gutted and battered.”

UNSOUND BITE
As if one wasn’t enough, Thickett senior has been pimping out the services of would-be dentist Thickett junior. Mole’s man in the thick of it is helping his younger sibling get his hands on gullible gnashers, latest victim to step into the chair being new reporter Luci Mylward on Tuesday this week. The poor lass doesn’t know what she’s in for,” one dentist-phobic source told Mole. “You’ve seen the mess Thickett makes when eating – just imagine what his brother will do with Luci’s teeth.”

ROCK BOTTOM
Mole has always dreamed of working in PR – not. And if yet Morrisons were needed to avoid the wilderness of wining and dining hacks, consider this missive from one former journo since turned to the Dark Side after the shock announcement a client had realigned its LIBOR rate. “There are many occasions in this new incarnation of mine that my buttocks are clenched in excruciating embarrassment, never you fear…” ed case Mole’s busy preparing for the Broomstick Ball in aid of Cancer Research UK. The bash takes place on Wednesday this week at London’s plush Marriot Hotel in Grosvenor Square. Star attraction is the chance to bid to edit Mortgage Strategy for a week. A word of warning to anyone hoping to bag the top job plus expense account – last year KGB Packaging supremo Rachel Bancroft coughed up 10,000 for the privilege.

A SUITABLE BOY
Arch chav Robert Thickett began the long march to a much needed makeover last week. The lucky hack is having a suit made to measure to promote tailor Dress2Kill who will be at this year’s Mortgage Expo on November 16 and 17 offering fashion tips, suit styling and wet shaves to brokers. The free suit was originally offered to MS boss Hall but he, having been forced to endure Thickett’s piss-poor dress sense for one press day too many, reasoned that the news editor’s need was the greater.