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Meet Labour’s new economic guru

This week I can exclusively reveal that Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s office will soon announce the appointment of David Beckham as the government’s new economic guru. LA Galaxy is thought to have been paid £50m to release him from his contract, ensuring that he is free to sign for Labour. A job title has yet to be decided.

The move follows the trend of promoting celebrities to highly paid jobs in public service. It is thought that Beckham’s recent appearance at the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics was a major factor in his appointment.

He certainly performed with some aplomb when appearing atop a London bus and kicking a football into the crowd while simultaneously smiling and waving, his neck tattoo glistening.

Less certain is the effect his promotion to Whitehall will have on the selection policies of England manager Fabio Capello ahead of the World Cup qualification matches.

The Phantom’s spies tracked Capello down.

“Obvious we no wanta lose David but if he wanta save economy and maybe world we will be never blocking his passage,” he says. “I have big problem in midfield anyways so am already thinking of enough things.

“I am study English in spare time but I no understand yet all things. Every time England play, Alex Ferguson he ring up say all Manchester United players they sick and can no play. He say many other things too but they not teach me these words at school for English. Anyway, Goldenballs he least of problems. Frank Lampard he wanta be foreign secretary while eating pie and Rio Ferdinand he launch new clothing range on first day training.”

So much for the football. Becks is about to enter a different world. He will be addressing interested parties everywhere in an effort to breathe new life into the housing market. It’s one thing making the odd appeal about knife crime and being interviewed for BBC’s Sports personality of the year but how will he get to grips with this new challenge?

We spoke to a top after-dinner speaker.

“The first thing he should do is avoid clichés,” he says. “If he mentions a game of two halves he’s toast.

“The main thing is that he needs to take one speech at a time and give each one respect. After all, there are no easy speeches these days. It’s a question of keeping it tight and giving 110%, even when the going gets tough. At the end of the day he should just go out and enjoy himself. At least he doesn’t need to worry about being taken off at half-time.”

So three cheers for Becks. He can’t do much worse than the current bunch of advisers.

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