It's a wonderful life

21 December 2009 | By Christine Toner

It was Christmas Eve 2009 and old London town was alive with the sights and sounds of the festive season. Children played gleefully in the streets, carol singers went from door to door each time coming away empty-handed - there is a recession on, after all - and everyone was jolly. Except for one man.

On Westminster Bridge stood a lone Scotsman, his greying hair blowing in the wind, tears rolling down his cheeks. Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, cut a sad figure.

Brown had got himself into a bit of a bother. All the money was gone and his rival David Cameron was laughing at him from every media outlet, jeering as the PM’s empire fell apart.

Brown had tried to curry favour with the voters. He’d given his views on The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. He’d made his wife dress a little more Marc Jacobs and a little less Marks & Spencer when Sam Cameron turned on the style. He’d said all the right things - albeit at all the wrong times - yet nothing was working.

But now all his blunders were flooding back to haunt his troubled mind.

“There’s no point,” he exclaimed. “The country will be much better off without me.”

While standing on the bridge trying to pluck up the courage to jump he was startled by a splash. He spun around to see a man had fallen into the river and instinctively jumped in to save him.

Once on dry land the PM turned to ask the man what on earth happened when lo and behold he realised it was Peter Mandelson. Brown couldn’t believe his eyes.

But there he was in the flesh, the man who had gone from darling of Parliament to scum of Westminster so many times even he was confused, sitting on Westminster Bridge in sopping wet clothes clutching assorted passport applications and a Notting Hill property guide.

“What are you doing here?” gasped Brown. “I’m here to save you,” Mandelson explained. “After two resignations from government I decided on a career change so now I’m a second class demon, trying to make it to the top flight.”

“But you’re back in my government,” a confused Brown replied.

“True but come on, with my record it’s only a matter of time,”

said Mandelson. “Even I was bewildered why you brought me back.”

“Everyone makes mistakes Pete, but why are you here?” asked Brown again.

Mandelson said he had jumped into the cold grey water to stop Brown killing himself and revealed he had been sent from hell to convince Brown to fight on.

“And if I save you I get my horns,” he said.

“You expect me to believe that?” scoffed Brown. “That’s like asking the public to believe that Tony Blair and I get on. Anyway you can’t help me now, it’s over.”

Brown explained that everyone would be better off without him and he wished he’d never been born.

“Hey, that gives me an idea,” replied Mandelson. “Your wish is granted. You’ve never been born. You don’t exist. You haven’t a care in the world. No worries, no obligations, no credit crunch and no Cameron.”

With that Brown felt dizzy. He closed his eyes for what felt like a second but was more like a minute and when he came to the world seemed a different place. His suit was no longer wet, the stress headache he’d had since taking office had disappeared and even his hair was no longer grey.

“My suit!” he exclaimed.

“What about it?” asked Mandelson.

“It was wet, I’ve just been in the river, it was soaking.”

“But you were never born,” explained Mandelson.

“You don’t exist. You never jumped in the river so you never got wet.”

“What do you want from me?” cried Brown. “What’s this about?”

“You wanted to see what life for the people of the country would be like without you,” replied Mandelson. “You think everyone would be better off without you? Let me tell you, you have no idea of the effect you have had on the people of Britain.”

Brown was not convinced.

“Without you we’d never have had the tripartite system of regulation,” said Mandelson. “And who could have cosied up to big business while ignoring the needs of the little people like you did?”

“Oh I don’t know,” replied Brown. “Someone else could have done that. And it’s not that difficult to screw up a regulatory system, is it?”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” continued Mandelson. “You didn’t just screw up the regulatory system, you imposed a regulator that did hardly
anything until the industry found itself in the toughest situation it had ever experienced and only then did you implore it to get tough. You can’t achieve that kind of balls-up by mistake.”

“I guess so,” replied Brown.

“And what about fraud?” added Mandelson, now on a roll.

“It’s been going on for years and yet only someone with your skill and timing could wait until 2009 to bother cracking down on it.”

“I suppose that is quite skilled,” conceded Brown, slowly beginning to cheer up.

“Then there’s bankers’ bonuses,” Mandelson went on.

“Anyone with an ounce of common sense could see they were extortionate but you ignored the masses and let the system carry on until now. That takes tremendous determination.”

“It does,” agreed Brown.

“And without your leadership there’d be no Home In formation Packs,” said Mandelson. “Those fascinating little booklets that are of no value to anybody - all down to you!”

Brown smiled weakly.

“Yes I suppose you have a point there,” he said.

“But Blair was around for the discussions. He should take some credit too.”

“Fair enough,” said Mandelson. “But who else could have put their foot in it so deeply by promising an end to the boom and bust cycle without doing anything about it? You need to start believing in yourself, man.”

“Yes, that was spectacular I suppose,” the PM muttered, his eyes starting to dance a little.

“And what about Stamp Duty?” asked Mandelson. “A lesser leader may have seen fit to scrap this or at least increase the threshold to give first-time buyers a fighting chance of buying a home but not you - you made sure that the young now stand hardly any chance of owning a property.”

“Damned right!” exclaimed Brown. “I’ve made it practically impossible.”

“And think about it Gordon, if you had never been born who would have forced HBOS, the country’s most powerful lender, to grovel to Lloyds for rescue?” continued Mandelson. “You did that.

You brought it to its knees!”

“I did, I did!” squealed Brown.

“And then there’s the Crosby report,” smiled Mandelson.

“Only a genius could put the man responsible for masses of risky lending in charge of deciding how to make the mortgage market safer.”

“I’m starting to think you have a point,” said the PM, picking himself up off the floor, brushing down his black suit and smoothing his tie. “I have made some wise and brave choices. I believed for so long that Blair was the leader everyone wanted while I was just shoved in without the public having a say, but I was wrong. Thanks

Peter, you’ve helped me see the light. Sod you Cameron, I’m not done yet. Make me exist again Mandy. Please make me exist again!”

So Mandelson obliged and headed back to hell where he was greeted by the devil and presented with his horns. “You did well Mandy,” the devil smirked. “Brown’s renewed confidence will result in a hung parliament and that will mean great things for Europe, muahahahaha…”

Mandy smiled

“I’m glad you approve of my work Mr Sarkozy,” he said. “And a Merry Christmas to you.”

If you enjoyed this article, sign up here to receive daily email updates from Mortgage Strategy and Follow @mortgagestrat